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a world full of strangers Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "a world full of strangers" journal:

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February 26th, 2006
11:02 pm
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

dream
the sheets were piled around her in disarray. she didn't realize she was sweating, her back burning, as her eyes darted back and forth in search of the digital clock. she thought the red numbers said 9:15, but her focus kept blurring. sleep kept trying to retake her, but her heart was racing too fast. the clock. her heart. the rays of light that framed her blinds. sheets in piles. wanting movement, wanting to not be in this moment.

she was immobilized, frozen by the same feeling which held her fast the previous morning. the only difference, was that this time she remembered the dream.

and then, the images came back. what was it? a man, no a robot...no an angel. some other kind of being. it/he was all in red, with a visor covering his eyes and no visible mouth. the voice was male, though she didnt remember what it said. she remembered how clear and blue the sky was, the buses and cars full of tourists out on the waterfront. then skyscrapers and the bay. the red thing was coming towards her and she was trying to shoot it. she was unsuccessful. she knew it/he would take flight soon, would change from a soldier to a weapon.

the wings, or rather the wing was a red, crescent shape. the red thing took a running start then sprang into a gallop. it glided through the air, dropping explosive discs and firing round after round at the scurrying people below. for some reason, she thought it was an archangel. she remembered telling people to get on the ground and hiding behind a car. she wanted to remember more but that was all.

though she wasn't superstitious, she couldn't shake the awful feeling in her stomach - the feeling that death was within close proximity for someone nearby...

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September 30th, 2005
02:22 pm
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

so mad about this i had to post it on my community
"Common People"

She came from Greece she had a thirst for knowledge
She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College, that's where I caught her eye.
She told me that her Dad was loaded
I said in that case I'll have a rum and coke-cola.
She said fine and in thirty seconds time she said, I want to live like common people
I want to do whatever common people do, I want to sleep with common people
I want to sleep with common people like you.
Well what else could I do - I said I'll see what I can do.
I took her to a supermarket
I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere, so it started there.
I said pretend you've got no money, she just laughed and said oh you're so funny.
I said yeah? Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here.
Are you sure you want to live like common people
You want to see whatever common people see
You want to sleep with common people,
you want to sleep with common people like me.
But she didn't understand, she just smiled and held my hand.
Rent a flat above a shop, cut your hair and get a job.
Smoke some fags and play some pool, pretend you never went to school.
But still you'll never get it right
'cos when you're laid in bed at night watching roaches climb the wall
If you call your Dad he could stop it all.
You'll never live like common people
You'll never do what common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view, and dance and drink and screw
Because there's nothing else to do.
Sing along with the common people, sing along and it might just get you thru'
Laugh along with the common people
Laugh along even though they're laughing at you and the stupid things that you do.
Because you think that poor is cool.
I want to live with common people, I want to live with common people


the shatner version of this song is locally popular in the tampa bay, primarily because it describes so many of the young folk around these parts but is more humorous in tone than the version i prefer- the original by Pulp. i saw this thing in tbt today about the best blogs in tampa bay, and one of the highlighted blogs was a blogger by a young woman (24) whose name and webaddress i will NOT post, because i do NOT think this person deserves anymore attention or popularity. she wsa recently kicked out of stetson law school for misrepresenting them on her blog (was it the abundant porn links? the posts about parties and drinking? the DUI?!). just goes to show that yes, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES! be careful what you post online. it may bite you in the ass. not that she seemed bothered, however. that wasnt what got me about her blog. what got me was an earlier posting in which she commented that how can so many people in the workplace look "bloated" or "average"? i refrained from commenting because, well, it just didn't seem worth it. there are many people out there in the world who do good things- teachers, mothers, dads, doctors, clergy, volunteers, social workers- who aren't pretty people. maybe they're over/underweight, don't wear makeup or brand names, shop at the walmart. and for every one of these GOOD PEOPLE, there are ten bimbos like this chick who go out and talk smack about them on the net.

in short, the above lyrics go out to the most shallow woman on the internet and her adoring fans who think she accurately represents young educated women in the tampa bay area. if you're absolutely DYING to see this slut's page, leave a comment and i'll email you the url, but i REFUSE TO POST her shit in a public forum where an impressionable teenager or preteen could go to her site and be negatively influenced.

fekkin' third wave feminists.

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April 12th, 2005
11:03 am
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

it's a lyrics week...
"Out On the wiley, windy moors
We'd roll and fall in green
You had a temper, like my jealousy
Too hot, too greedy
How could you leave me
When I needed to possess you?
I hated you, I loved you too

Bad dreams in the night
They told me I was going to lose the fight
Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering
Wuthering Heights

Heathcliff, it's me, oh Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, oh Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Oh it gets dark, it gets lonely
On the other side from you
I pine alot, I find the lot
Falls through without you
I'm coming back love, cruel Heathcliff
My one dream, my only master

Too long I roam in the night
I'm coming back to his side to put it right
I'm coming home to wuthering, wuthering
Wuthering Heights

Heathcliff, it's me, oh Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, oh Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window

Ooh let me have it, let me grab your soul away
Ooh let me have it, let me grab your soul away
You know it's me, Cathy

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home
I'm so cold."

Current Mood: distresseddramatic
Current Music: "wuthering heights"- kate bush/hayley westenra

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April 11th, 2005
12:29 pm
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

some people never change...

"Blood roses
Blood roses
Back on the street now
Can't forget the things you never said
On days like these starts me thinking
When chickens get a taste of your meat girl
Chickens get a taste of your meat yes

You gave him your blood
And your warm little diamond
He likes killing you after you're dead
You think I'm a queer
I think you're a queer
Said I think you're a queer
I think you're a queer
I shaved every place where you been boy
I said I shaved every place where you been yes"

God knows I know
I've thrown away those graces
God knows I've thrown away
Those graces
God knows I know
I've thrown away those graces

The Belle of New Orleans tried to show me
Once how to tango
Wrapped around you feet
Wrapped around like good little roses

Blood Roses
Blood Roses
Back on the street now
Blood Roses
Blood Roses
Back on the street now
Now, Now
Now you've cut out the flute
From the throat of the loon
At least when you cry now
He can't even hear you
When chickens get a taste of your meat girl
Come on
Come on
Come on...

When he sucks you deep
Sometimes you're nothing but meat."

Current Mood: somehow, not surprised
Current Music: blood roses- tori amos

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March 27th, 2005
08:02 pm
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

since i already began my physical spring cleaning at new years, and cleaned some influences/people out of my life between then and now, time for some mental spring cleaning.

i've been feeling so disconnected for a while and i wasn't sure why. work is steady. school plans are in motion. i can pay my taxes. i work out. i have clothing, food, shelter. everything should have been fine right?

i didn't notice this feeling until my grandfather died in january of this year. my whole family in tears. he'd had a horrible struggle in the months preceding his death. i should have been bawling- i was always this big time softy bawler, the kid who cried on the playground, the girl who gushed tears at the sound of the words "i think we should see other people"- and i didn't. it just didn't happen. at first i thought, oh it'll hit me later. but it didn't. i just didn't cry over it. it's really scary the first time you don't cry over a loss. but i didn't feel scared at the time either.

in the months since, i've noticed the feeling more and more. songs that used to make me feel something just don't. people calling who used to make me really excited just don't.

i guess that's what spurred the mental spring cleaning. i guess it's because i'm tired of fighting alone. i'm tired of putting faith in people who only want to use me. i'm tired of having to forget the things or people or books that made me happy or sad so that i can seem "more grown up" or "more unselfish." and i'm tired of punishing myself for telling people that i liked them, or that i had a dream or two somewhere in there. i'm tired of not taking credit for things, or going for the clothes or the hairstyle that "look appropriate" when i could have gone for things that made me feel happy and pretty and young all along. i'm tired of feeling guilty because i use the word fuck and i like using it. and these feelings don't make me a rebellious teenager or a psychopath. these are things that i know alot of people feel, but they're just too afraid to say it because honesty makes people not like you.

i go on websites like livejournal, myspace, etc. and post some basic things about myself because i'm looking for people who've felt this way. i started this community because i felt guilty and alone and was looking to see if anyone else was. i met one friend through this community and though i don't talk to her as often as i should, i value her wisdom and honesty.

i wish more people would join, i really do. sorry if that sounds creepy but contrary to the sick belief that pervades our modern world, it is NOT bad, stupid, selfish, naive, or wrong to want to make attachments, to reach out, to express yourself. i've been talked down to one time too many for asserting the foolish naive idea that love is a human instinct and that we are not walking, eating computers. and by love i don't just mean romantic or sexual.

i don't see myself as enlightened, beautiful, or special. i just want a day with no traffic in my head. i want some hope that in ten years, 20 years, i'll have access to clean air and water and fruit and vegetables. i want some hope that one day i might meet a guy who doesn't see marriage as a death sentence or doesn't see a wife and kids as an excuse to slack off, get fat, and dimiss all the adventures that life has yet to offer. i want some sign that i'm not insane for feeling this way. the numbness of the last however long it's been shut these feelings down, or at least buried them and god only knows what i lost while i was shut down.

so, with that tirade, i guess i'm back. i'm not sure from what. but if it makes me hypersensitive or a psycho, then it does. i'd rather be those than numb.

Current Mood: not numb

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March 23rd, 2005
10:50 am
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

"It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
it's just the way that we are tied in
but there's noone home
i grieve...
for you
you leave...
me
so hard to move on
still loving what's gone
said life carries on...
carries on and on and on...
and on
the news that truely shocks
is the empty, empty page
while the final rattle rocks
its empty, empty cage...
and i can't handle this
i grieve...
for you
you leave...
me
let it out and move on
missing what's gone
said life carries on...
i said life carries on and on...


and on
life carries on in the people i meet
in every one that's out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on...
and on
life carries on and on and on...
life carries on and on and on...
and on
life carries on and on and on...
just the car that we ride in
the home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
as life carries on and on and on...
and on
life carries on and on and on...
did i dream this belief
or did i believe this dream
how i will find relief
i grieve..."

Current Music: "I grieve"- PeterGabriel, City of angels soundtrack

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March 14th, 2005
09:51 am
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

so many times i've gone surfing for others with common interests on lj, and in my searchings, i've found a myriad of interesting people of both genders, and many races and religions. yet i find one thing strikingly familiar in one particular group.

there seem to be a significant number of goth and emo girls on this server (ditto on myspace, face the jury, etc.) who aren't here to chat or connect to the rest of us, or share their "innermost feelings" and dreams. i have nothing against goths or emos, or their scene. many times, i've been mistakenly called goth or emo because i'm pale and enjoy wearing tshirts with cartoon characters on them, but i don't necessarily mind the comparison. they get on these servers and post pics (which alot of people do, no crime there)but here's the kicker- they turn around and talk smack about preppy, fit, or non-scene girls posting pics, and say "oh i hate those hoochie posers." they then go on and on about how the ten or twenty older guys they're trying to get with aren't good enough for them, and how they're "tired of drama" and cutting themselves. if these young women (many of them are NOT teenagers anymore) are truly depressed/being sexually abused, then they need professional help. if they're just posting pics of their tattoos and underwear, and acting like they have depth and depression to get guys then they need to grow up. their behavior is a mockery of people who have REAL MENTAL PROBLEMS. i can't even count on my fingers and toes the number of times i've been called "soft" immature or "fake" by guys because i don't take pics of myself in a thong, get twenty piercings (waste of money), or sneak out in the middle of the night to spend my parents money on some hot topic clubbing crap or binge on pot and booze. sorry, boys, last i checked anal sex was NOT a prerequisite for maturity.

to the fake tears girls i say "get a fekkin clue"! stop throwing feminism out the window, and supporting guys in their misconception that for a woman to be "real" she has to be a damaged psycho with a knife.

thank you *_*

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March 11th, 2005
12:34 pm
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

what the fekk?!
so it would appear i finally found a way to make myself wake up before 9- fully functional and bright-eyed no less...

just have a really really bad dream. I'd been having some weird ass dreams for awhile just before my grandfather died back in january/beginning of february. then it was quiet for awhile, but i'd been having a very difficult time waking up before 8 or 9 am on weekdays. not necessarily a good thing. so i started working out, trying occasional sleep aids to get me in bed earlier. but i was still having trouble getting to sleep. then last night i just- boom- fell asleep at 12 am (earlier than usual) with no trouble. i don't remember the whole dream, but here's the important parts.

the whole time it was dark sort of like twilight. most of the dream took place in a building i used to work/volunteer at doing children's theatre stuff. there was this get together with alot of (read: obnoxious) family and acquaintances. it was dark both inside and outside of the building. a certain person that i know, who we'll just refer to for the time being as "rL" or "mr. jones" was there with some of his friends who i am on good terms with. now, i bear no ill will to this person in real life or in the dream, but we do have a history involving some intense feelings. so in the dream he would come into the room and then disappear. he was nice to me and affectionate and what not, but i wanted to tell him that i didn't like how he kept disappearing. however, a voice in my head was saying that if i told him i felt this way, he'd disappear for good. so i just kept getting more and more upset. finally i went up to him to tell him and he kinda stepped back and i fell on the ground. he told me he wanted to be with me, but there was a problem with his DAUGHTER. yes DAUGHTER. in real life, as far as i know, this person does NOT have ANY children. and if he's currently expecting one, he hasn't told anybody. he's young- like my age, not married or in an ltr. all i know is i was really upset and freaking out in the dream and i woke up freezing and weirded out at about 6:30 am after 2 months of not being able to get out of bed before 8:30 or 9.

crazy shit *_*

Current Mood: awake^10
Current Music: brain damage

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February 3rd, 2005
09:44 pm
[star_of_spring]

[Link]

you go away for a week or two
and things fall through
you go away for a year or two
and things unglue

activity in a distant sector
voices in the dark

you want to believe in your newfound hope
that your strength is enough
life presses on

but "the team" always wins
what a surprise
the team separates and then comes back together

people like that never change

no, people like them
NEVER change

Current Mood: alltooalert

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January 25th, 2005
04:39 pm
[duck_tape]

[Link]

sleep mode is under new management...well old management with a new name ^_^

yay star_of_spring !!!

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